bulimia recovery – Page 6 – I Quit: Giving up Bulimia

Mom IX

I learned long ago to only talk to my mom on my own terms. I never answer when she calls; I find a time when I genuinely want to talk to her and cultivate my most generous attitude. I physically smile before I make the call, and then I dive in. But, I realized theContinue reading “Mom IX”

Progress

I realize my progress in tiny moments which are really pretty big, for me. Saturday night, we hosted about 20 of my colleagues for an outdoor, distanced backyard get-together around one of our fire pits. We had a huge spread of cheese and crackers (my ultimate weakness) and made s’mores around the fire (chocolate–my otherContinue reading “Progress”

Noticing

There are a lot of things I’ve learned or read recently that resonate with me, or that I do believe, but I don’t know what to do with. The idea of trauma manifesting in physical pain, for instance. Or, my true desire to be less of a perfectionist or less judgmental. These beliefs and desiresContinue reading “Noticing”

Pain

I’ve been listening to a podcast called “The Cure for Chronic Pain,” even though I do not suffer from chronic pain. But, it was recommended on another podcast I enjoy, so I gave it a listen. I have become increasingly interested in the concept of trauma manifesting as physical pain. When I was pregnant withContinue reading “Pain”

Disgust

I am all about loving your body and being grateful for all the amazing this it has done. I really am. And, I really do love my body and am so, so grateful that it’s put up with all my shit and keeps powering through, that it gave me two amazing little people and thatContinue reading “Disgust”

Joy

I haven’t gotten into the whole minimalist/Marie Kondo thing. We keep things pretty tidy, and frankly, I like those silver stilettos that I can’t quite squeeze into but still wear once every (two) year(s). But, it recently dawned on me that I feel a little bit of a bittersweetness in bidding farewell to bulimia. ItContinue reading “Joy”

Yo-yo

I feel stuck in an awful yo-yo swinging between feeling all liberated/empowered/I-don’t-care-what-you-think-about-my-body… and then realizing I really do care, and feeling sadness, frustration, anger, and guilt over the small amount of weight I put on in the other phase. I know that this stems from my black-and-white thinking, the idea that I’m swinging between theContinue reading “Yo-yo”

100

Today marks 100 days since my last purging episode. I’m struck by any number of things: I’m honestly a little disheartened that things don’t feel much different. I don’t know why I sent this arbitrary number and assumed (hoped) that when I reached it, I’d have made enough progress to feel markedly “different” in someContinue reading “100”

Mom VIII

My therapist suggested something I hadn’t considered: my children are now my mother’s purpose in life, and as such, they will be the ones to change her, if it is ever to happen. Nothing that I have ever done has elicited change in her behavior or character; but, every time she leaves our house sheContinue reading “Mom VIII”

Mom VII

I’ve been trying to imagine what goes through my mom’s head regarding body image. I know that she has been wildly uncomfortable with her body and herself. I know that she was hospitalized in either high school or college for anorexia (though I mistrust my old memories so much now… who told me that? DidContinue reading “Mom VII”