Eating disorders are secret affairs. We carefully, so carefully, hide them for decades, from everyone. They are shut up and shut out, closeted demons. Today, I stumbled upon some skeletons in the literal closets. We have a large house with lots of bathrooms, and I only occasionally use some of them—the guest powder room downstairs,Continue reading “Supplies”
Tag Archives: eating disorder
Missing
My eating disorder was with me for over 20 years. So, I guess it makes sense that I miss it sometimes. There are nights when I really, really wish I could just throw up my dinner. Sometimes it is when I actually have overeaten a little and feel uncomfortable; sometimes I just feel nostalgia forContinue reading “Missing”
Allowances
My therapist asked me what I wanted to start allowing this week. What did I want to start accepting as OK that was otherwise not OK, what could I allow to drift into the gray area that had previously been white/black, all or nothing? And so, I decided to try to accept three hard workoutContinue reading “Allowances”
Wham
Sometimes my thoughts just hit me out of nowhere, hard. Tonight, I was sitting on the couch resting for the first time today, with one kid snuggled up on my lap and the other next to me, after I’d just gotten home from a long day at work. And all of a sudden, right outContinue reading “Wham”
Gratitude
After my therapist suggested that my body hadn’t actually failed me in my children’s births, I have been trying to practice gratitude for the things it has done done for me over these past 40 years. I am grateful to my body for pushing through my own challenges at birth. I was born with collapsedContinue reading “Gratitude”
Menus
I haven’t really felt this much lately, since we haven’t been out to eat in nearly a year (!). But, I was reminded when we finally did go out to eat the other night (fully vaccinated couple, yay!)… I don’t know whether I’ll ever look at an entire menu. Like, when we get a menu,Continue reading “Menus”
Failure
I talked with my therapist about my two traumatic experiences giving birth. She was sympathetic and encouraging and made me feel a little better about always assuming the worst. I see baby showers and I feel disdain. Do they NOT KNOW all the million and one things that could happen to end in tragedy? DoContinue reading “Failure”
Secrets
Holy shit. Did anyone else listen to the latest “This American Life” episode with guest host Susan Burton? She does a whole segment interviewing women with or recovering from eating disorders. I listened to the whole episode with this buzzing in my chest, not able to take a deep breath. I recognize myself in everyContinue reading “Secrets”
Willpower
My disorder is greedy and jealous. I wish that I could look at another woman and just admire her beauty, or even not think about it. I wish I wouldn’t see a clearly emaciated model and wish for her physique. I wish I could just not see the thinness or heaviness of bodies. I readContinue reading “Willpower”
Date Night!
My last few posts about childbirth and postpartum PTSD left me feeling a little drained and depleted. It’s just… a lot. I have more to say, and I have lots more to think about after therapy this week, but I’ll see how I feel about it in the coming days and write more then. ButContinue reading “Date Night!”
I Quit: Giving up Bulimia 