Quitter

Bloating

I have been bloated my entire life, with the exception of vacations. On vacation, I eat less fruit and vegetables and drink less (well, more alcohol, but less other liquids) because I don’t want to have to pee all the time. I’ve spent my whole life “sucking in,” because if I didn’t, I would lookContinue reading “Bloating”

Taking Care

The summer is typically my time to reset. It’s a busy time with running the kids to a million camps and activities, but my own work schedule slows way down and my work can be completed at home whenever I choose. So, it’s typically my time to take care of myself–doctor’s appointments, haircut and color,Continue reading “Taking Care”

Weary

My soul is weary. I spent last night reading about the tragedy in Texas, and sleep was not to be. Today, my 4-year-old’s last question before she got out of the car at school drop-off was, “Mommy, were the kids who were killed scared?” I am so weary of this. My soul aches every timeContinue reading “Weary”

Pity

I had a good therapy session this week, in the way that typically happens: I went in with a list of things I thought I wanted to talk about, but actually ended up talking about something else for the whole hour. We’ve started meeting only once a month, which feels OK, but I’m thinking ofContinue reading “Pity”

Signs

I feel like the road signs in my life are pointing in so many contradictory directions. I don’t know which signs to trust, and I’m starting to feel lost. I had blood work done at my most recent doctor appointment, and I am not happy with the results. Things are all over the map. Basically,Continue reading “Signs”

10.

My recovery is solid, and I feel strong. Those are true statements. And yet… I went to another doctor’s appointment today, in the way that I typically take care of things in these unicorn weeks when my school year is over but my kids’ is not. I always get a haircut and color, see myContinue reading “10.”

Fat

This is a triggering word, I know. It’s an even more triggering feeling. There is really no simpler way to put it than: I feel fat. My arms feel fat, my cheeks feel puffy. I keep squeezing the flesh around my midsection thinking, Fat, fat fat. I hate that I am 40 years old andContinue reading “Fat”

Estrangement

I am watching this terrible show on HBO. Or, I should say, I think it is terrible–it is campy and overly dramatic. The dialogue is lacking, and the plot spirals back upon itself in a way that is annoying. And yet, I keep watching it, because I have run out of truly good shows toContinue reading “Estrangement”

Photo

Like many with EDs, I don’t always love to look at photos of myself. There are a few “sanctioned” pictures that I keep up around the house–those wedding and family photos that I have determined are “fine.” But, other than that, I sometimes find myself sucking in my breath when someone posts a picture ofContinue reading “Photo”

Strain

I routinely fight against the feeling of straining fabric. It’s hard not to notice when your pants are a little more snug, or your arms are pressing up on your blazer sleeves in an uncomfortable way. I know that those of us with EDs are particularly attuned to these minor shifts in how our bodiesContinue reading “Strain”