Uncategorized – Page 18 – I Quit: Giving up Bulimia

Fret

I fret by nature—I can just immediately see things through to their final, horrible completions, and then I impotently await the awful outcomes. I can see accidents waiting the happen, injuries just waiting to occur. Miraculously, I’m not a hovering sort of mother—I don’t impede my kids’ childhood fun by telling them all the wayContinue reading “Fret”

And just like that…

Wow, tonight hit me like a truck. I’m sitting here with a stomach too-full of food and a chest too-full of anxiety. I was so close. SO. CLOSE. I actually prepared food to eat that I knew I would purge. I took a bite (more like 15) and then thought, What are you doing??! YouContinue reading “And just like that…”

Humbled

Ok, so after I wrote that self-righteous post yesterday about “writing my future,” I was hit with a doozy of a day. I actually thought, No one will ever know. You can have one last purge and you’ll feel soooo much better. And then you can go back to recovery without ever telling anyone, andContinue reading “Humbled”

Future

I have started scheduling out these post by a few days; that way, I’m always a couple days ahead when my week starts crashing around me. And, I don’t feel any kind of anxiety that I need to get to posting each day. I mean, I realize I don’t need to post each day… it’sContinue reading “Future”

Dread

Sometimes, when I think of what it would take to unravel my life, I get this immediate and heavy boulder in my gut. I can see my husband spinning out and crashing on black ice—and then what? What do I do with the monthly mortgage that is 20% of my annual salary? What do IContinue reading “Dread”

Love

Today is the day for love, I suppose. My husband and I have mostly started giving nice cards to each other for these types of holidays, and enjoying some drinks and a nicer dinner than usual. This year, that will be in our own dining room, and I’m fine with that. When I think ofContinue reading “Love”

50

50 days is a long time. They say it takes approximately one month (something like 27 or 28 days) for something to become a habit… so, not engaging in bulimia should be a habit for me by now, I guess, if we’re going by this rubric. But, I think eating disorders are probably their ownContinue reading “50”

Sleep

I generally sleep pretty well, but lately my mind has been running and I just can’t turn off my ears from hearing every little sound. My husband’s snoring has gradually gotten louder and more annoying as the years go on, and I just cannot force myself not to hear it. I’ve tried so many brandsContinue reading “Sleep”

OK, Fine.

“OK, fine.” That’s what I said to my therapist as I begrudgingly agreed that she might be right about my preferred mode of communication with my husband (and all other living, breathing things). I don’t deal well in moments of intense emotion–I typically freeze and just shut down. That makes speaking difficult. I have learnedContinue reading “OK, Fine.”

Trigger

I don’t necessarily have set-in-stone food triggers for bulimia. Some days I can eat pizza and desserts without feeling a twinge of guilt, and other days I can eat healthily all day and still feel like I would really feel better after a good purge. I realize that’s because my triggers are emotional–when I’m feelingContinue reading “Trigger”