Yesterday afternoon, I binged. I didn’t call it that in the moment, but that’s what it was. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t REALLY bingeing, because I WAS legitimately hungry, and I didn’t eat the WHOLE package of frosted raspberry loaf… just two big pieces (maybe three?) and then the frosted tops offContinue reading “Binge”
Category Archives: Uncategorized
Not Normal
The other day, I wrote a post about how some food-related things make me feel almost “normal” (whatever that means). On other days, some things are decidedly not normal. Last night, I felt a weird, prolonged rush of anxiety that I haven’t felt in awhile. I’m not really sure what triggered it–maybe the stress ofContinue reading “Not Normal”
Dress
I am wearing a dress today that I hate. I keep it because it’s a color that I need for academic functions, but it’s a plain jersey dress that doesn’t feel flattering when I’m bloated. And, guess what? PMS central over here. I can feel the dress clinging on my back where I feel aContinue reading “Dress”
Normal
Who knows what “normal” means, but sometimes I find myself thinking, Hey! That was something normal person might do! And, it feels good. The other day, I had a meeting cancellation ping on my phone while I was driving to work, and I stopped for my favorite thing–a grade chai latte with almond milk. ThisContinue reading “Normal”
Grandparents
I attended a funeral yesterday for a woman who died at age 98. She had so many children and grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. She was filled with joy and love. She lived the most amazing life. I was struck by so many thoughts. I want to live that way—full of joy and love to be shared.Continue reading “Grandparents”
Control
One of the things I’ve been reflecting on in the aftermath (maybe aftermath? maybe it’s ongoing?) of this little depressive state is the issue of control. I know that for so long, bulimia was a last-ditch effort to establish some kind of control amidst chaos and things I couldn’t change. I still struggle with that.Continue reading “Control”
Better
Sometimes, I just sit in awe of all that I have and how very, very blessed I am in this life. I have a hard time sitting in gratitude and contentment, but sometimes I am startled by the beauty in my life. A few days ago, my kids watched one of their favorite episodes ofContinue reading “Better”
Fog
I think my fog is starting to lift. I really haven’t been in this kind of funk for a long while. I wasn’t full-on depressed, really. I mean, I had no other option than to get out of bed, fake my usual cheeriness for my students, and get all my shit done. So, I wasContinue reading “Fog”
The Professor II
I have put off writing this, because there’s so much to say, but so few words that fit. So much of what happened in graduate school is hazy, gray. There were the big, technicolored days that stand out—like the day he said he’d fuck me if he were unmarried. But most days were gray—intimations ofContinue reading “The Professor II”
Overwhelmed
I’m overwhelmed at the moment. Work is at a fever pitch, and I have a 3-year-old miserably ill with RSV (out of school all week). My son was sent home from school crying about a tooth ache, so now we need to get him into the dentist ASAP. Our house just went on the market,Continue reading “Overwhelmed”
