I feel stuck in an awful yo-yo swinging between feeling all liberated/empowered/I-don’t-care-what-you-think-about-my-body… and then realizing I really do care, and feeling sadness, frustration, anger, and guilt over the small amount of weight I put on in the other phase. I know that this stems from my black-and-white thinking, the idea that I’m swinging between theContinue reading “Yo-yo”
Tag Archives: eating disorder
100
Today marks 100 days since my last purging episode. I’m struck by any number of things: I’m honestly a little disheartened that things don’t feel much different. I don’t know why I sent this arbitrary number and assumed (hoped) that when I reached it, I’d have made enough progress to feel markedly “different” in someContinue reading “100”
Mom VIII
My therapist suggested something I hadn’t considered: my children are now my mother’s purpose in life, and as such, they will be the ones to change her, if it is ever to happen. Nothing that I have ever done has elicited change in her behavior or character; but, every time she leaves our house sheContinue reading “Mom VIII”
Mom VII
I’ve been trying to imagine what goes through my mom’s head regarding body image. I know that she has been wildly uncomfortable with her body and herself. I know that she was hospitalized in either high school or college for anorexia (though I mistrust my old memories so much now… who told me that? DidContinue reading “Mom VII”
Shame
I’m taking a break from my “Mom series” to reflect a little on mortality… and shame. Today I learned that a classmate of mine from undergrad (same department and year at a small liberal arts college) died suddenly last night. She was 38. They don’t know yet what the cause of her death was, butContinue reading “Shame”
Mom VI
My mom has apologized for her past behavior more than once. I had recently told my therapist that all I wanted was for my mom to acknowledge that my childhood was pretty awful, and for her to just apologize for her role without getting defensive or trying to explain it away. My therapist asked ifContinue reading “Mom VI”
Mom V
My therapist recently asked whether my mom “deserves” to be in my life and have the relationships with my kids that she enjoys. I struggled to answer that. My primary struggle was not in determining whether my mom in specific is “deserving,” but rather what it means in general if I start thinking along thoseContinue reading “Mom V”
Mom IV
The night before my wedding, my mom drank too much wine (for her that is maybe two glasses) and made a fool of herself while the wedding party finished up preparing party favors and name cards. My best friend yelled at her; my mom has not talked to my friend since that day and unfollowedContinue reading “Mom IV”
Mom III
My therapist suggested that I outline my top 5 grievances and approach my mom with them in an email. I balked. Honestly, I don’t know what my top 5 are. There’s not necessarily a list of specifics for me–it’s more general: The fact that she didn’t allow us to have feelings or to cry. TheContinue reading “Mom III”
Mom II
I don’t know how long this little Mom series might last… it could be awhile. Today I’ve been thinking about some of my major traumatic memories. My mom didn’t necessarily cause all of the trauma, but she didn’t help ease it, either. We have always walked on eggshells around my mother. Everyone’s primary job atContinue reading “Mom II”
I Quit: Giving up Bulimia 