relapse – Page 4 – I Quit: Giving up Bulimia

Fatigue

My body feels so tired today, despite an appropriate amount of sleep. It’s probably several factors–less rest days from workouts, seasonal allergies, work stress, my period. I was aggravated when I woke up with this feeling, since I had planned time for a workout this morning (especially after eating more than usual yesterday). But, IContinue reading “Fatigue”

Famished

I try to embrace intuitive eating. This is challenging for me, since the last time I really ate intuitively was probably 35 years ago… But, I’m trying to trust my body. This means that some days, I listen to my body and I say, “Seriously? You’re STILL hungry?” and then I keep eating. Today wasContinue reading “Famished”

Steps

I’m not the type to count my daily steps. I am an active person, and I am generally on my feet–I know that I am stepping a-plenty. After birthing complications with my second kid led my thyroid to quit, my life spiraled out of control with fatigue and weight gain, and I bought a FitbitContinue reading “Steps”

Gifts

Throughout my childhood, my mom struggled with anorexia. It was her way of controlling something in the chaos of my dad’s mental illness. I can empathize with that, but at the same time, it makes me so angry, because I know that a lot of my eating disorder was learned from her. In my darkestContinue reading “Gifts”

Investments

I’ve been thinking of the things I invest in, and how it’s possible that I haven’t invested seriously in recovery lately. I used to feel guilty over spending money–not just because it’s my husband who makes the vast majority of our money, but also because I was raised without having money. We didn’t have muchContinue reading “Investments”

Time

I have had more time this semester than usual. I typically have an overload every semester, but due to the college crisis of students not enrolling wit the pandemic/gap years/who knows what, and due to my largest-ever class of graduates last spring, I am slightly under load. (Now, I teach at a small liberal artsContinue reading “Time”

The Work

I am accustomed to challenges. I love a good challenge–a big performance, peer review, promotion, journal article. But, I realized recently that part of what’s keeping me stuck in this relapse cycle is a feeling of… apathy, maybe? That’s not quite the right word, but I don’t know what is. It’s not depression, necessarily, orContinue reading “The Work”

If Only…

I think on a regular basis that if only I could get my eating/bingeing/purging under control, I’d be able to achieve the body I’ve always wanted. I mean, my exercise and training game are on point, and I’m dedicated to my physical fitness. It’s something I go crazy without, and so I invest in it–myContinue reading “If Only…”

Not that bad…

I recently had another spiraling-out.. a weekend with lots of bingeing and purging. It was a combination of a lot of things, really. My mom was visiting, my schedule was chaotic, I wasn’t able to exercise as much, there were lots of sweets around, and plans kept changing and throwing me off. I feel likeContinue reading “Not that bad…”

Day 5.

I am working on naming the emotions I’m feeling in the moment, and trying to get to the root cause of them. My therapist has suggested writing an action list for how I can start to feel better about these things, or how I might respond to a “worst case” scenario, but sometimes it’s hardContinue reading “Day 5.”