I’ve been thinking of the things I invest in, and how it’s possible that I haven’t invested seriously in recovery lately. I used to feel guilty over spending money–not just because it’s my husband who makes the vast majority of our money, but also because I was raised without having money. We didn’t have muchContinue reading “Investments”
Tag Archives: eating disorder
Time
I have had more time this semester than usual. I typically have an overload every semester, but due to the college crisis of students not enrolling wit the pandemic/gap years/who knows what, and due to my largest-ever class of graduates last spring, I am slightly under load. (Now, I teach at a small liberal artsContinue reading “Time”
The Work
I am accustomed to challenges. I love a good challenge–a big performance, peer review, promotion, journal article. But, I realized recently that part of what’s keeping me stuck in this relapse cycle is a feeling of… apathy, maybe? That’s not quite the right word, but I don’t know what is. It’s not depression, necessarily, orContinue reading “The Work”
If Only…
I think on a regular basis that if only I could get my eating/bingeing/purging under control, I’d be able to achieve the body I’ve always wanted. I mean, my exercise and training game are on point, and I’m dedicated to my physical fitness. It’s something I go crazy without, and so I invest in it–myContinue reading “If Only…”
Not that bad…
I recently had another spiraling-out.. a weekend with lots of bingeing and purging. It was a combination of a lot of things, really. My mom was visiting, my schedule was chaotic, I wasn’t able to exercise as much, there were lots of sweets around, and plans kept changing and throwing me off. I feel likeContinue reading “Not that bad…”
Day 5.
I am working on naming the emotions I’m feeling in the moment, and trying to get to the root cause of them. My therapist has suggested writing an action list for how I can start to feel better about these things, or how I might respond to a “worst case” scenario, but sometimes it’s hardContinue reading “Day 5.”
Day 4.
This has been a fulfilling weekend, with lots of family time. But, we were stuck inside all day Saturday with a kiddo’s tournament, and all day today due to miserable icy weather. I indulged in some larger portions and higher-fat foods than I usually might, and I’m in my personal “hell week” — the weekContinue reading “Day 4.”
Day 2.
My anxiety has been running high lately, and I finally had a session (after, frustratingly, several re-schedulings) with my therapist. She urged me to think of why I feel these waves of panic, and I think I’ve finally come to some truths. I think that I am scared, which is not comfortable for me. InContinue reading “Day 2.”
Day 1
I don’t know how many of these “Day 1″s it is going to finally take. I was so certain that it would really, truly be my last “do over” when I started this journey little over a year ago. Then, I relapsed after 298 days in recovery. And, now I’ve relapsed again. So, here weContinue reading “Day 1”
Hard Reset
My day counter reads like elementary coding. 0 days, 1 day, 0, 1, 0, 1, 0. Today is Day 1. Actually, it hasn’t even been 24 hours since my last purge, but I’m going with it. Day 1. Back to the start. I’ve decided that I truly need to go back to the start andContinue reading “Hard Reset”
I Quit: Giving up Bulimia 