relapse

Day 4.

This has been a fulfilling weekend, with lots of family time. But, we were stuck inside all day Saturday with a kiddo’s tournament, and all day today due to miserable icy weather. I indulged in some larger portions and higher-fat foods than I usually might, and I’m in my personal “hell week” — the weekContinue reading “Day 4.”

Day 2.

My anxiety has been running high lately, and I finally had a session (after, frustratingly, several re-schedulings) with my therapist. She urged me to think of why I feel these waves of panic, and I think I’ve finally come to some truths. I think that I am scared, which is not comfortable for me. InContinue reading “Day 2.”

Day 1

I don’t know how many of these “Day 1″s it is going to finally take. I was so certain that it would really, truly be my last “do over” when I started this journey little over a year ago. Then, I relapsed after 298 days in recovery. And, now I’ve relapsed again. So, here weContinue reading “Day 1”

Day 3. Again.

I had a decent run, and then I had a weird trigger after 12 days… So, here I am again only 3 days in. My “trigger” was a collection of things. The usual stress that I experience during this performance season–it’s usually my toughest period in the year. But, what I hadn’t expected was seeingContinue reading “Day 3. Again.”

Family

My parents came to visit for the Thanksgiving holiday. This is different from most previous years, where we traveled with the kids and tried to see everyone on both sides of the family in four days. That was exhausting and stressful, but it was also fun to catch up and see everyone for the holiday.Continue reading “Family”

“Monitoring”

I feel like I’m back in a more solid, controlled space. I recently read the book Overcoming Binge Eating by Christopher Fairburn, and the second part of the book is a self-help guide centered around CBT. It contains a few charts and detailed instructions on how to complete the different steps in the program heContinue reading ““Monitoring””

Day 3.

Day 3 was sloppy. I’m at the end of the day, sitting in bed, having brushed my teeth and knowing that I did in fact “make it,” but it wasn’t pretty. I’ve been trying to figure out what sets me “off” for this feeling, and I honestly think it’s when I eat breakfast when IContinue reading “Day 3.”

Day 1.

I’m back to the beginning, Day 1. Today, I decided that I’m going to stop feeling disappointed and dejected that I relapsed after nearly 300 days of recovery. Instead, I’m going to treat this as a blank slate, a chance to start anew with hope and excitement, and as a learning experience to see howContinue reading “Day 1.”

Hard Reset

My day counter reads like elementary coding. 0 days, 1 day, 0, 1, 0, 1, 0. Today is Day 1. Actually, it hasn’t even been 24 hours since my last purge, but I’m going with it. Day 1. Back to the start. I’ve decided that I truly need to go back to the start andContinue reading “Hard Reset”

(Triggers abound.) I thought I’d really made it this time. I honestly thought to myself, “Ha! Well, it really wasn’t so hard, was it? All I had to do was quit. And now, I’m recovered!” I mean, it took awhile to get to that point, but after three, six, nine months, I really felt likeContinue reading “Relapse”